| Alphabetic Sentences |
| Anagrams |
| Dad Jokes |
| Fumblerules |
| Funny Abbreviations |
| ADIDAS | All Day I Dream About Shoes |
| AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) | All In Deep Shit |
| ALITALIA (Italian Airlines) | Always Late In Takeoff And Late in Arrival |
| BATA (shoe store) | Buy And Throw Away |
| BITCH | Boys, I'm Taking Charge Here! |
| BUSH | Beat Up Saddam Hussein |
| CAAC (Civil Aviation Administration of China) | China Airlines Always Crash |
| CIRCLE LINE | Constantly In Repair & Construction, Leaving Everyone Late, Irritation Never Ends |
| CLASS | Come Late And Start Sleeping |
| CLINTON | Come, Lewinsky, I Need The Oral Now |
| CPF (Central Provident Fund) | Can Pay Funeral |
| DELTA | Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive OR Directed Everyone's Luggage To Atlanta |
| DEVAN NAIR | Don't Ever Vote Another Nair, No Alcohol, I Resign |
| DHL (Dalsey, Hillblom and Lynn) | Deliver Halfway Lost OR Duey, Huey and Louie |
| DIET | Do I Eat This? |
| DUNHILL | Do U kNow Heavy Inhalers Live Longer? OR Dress Up Now, Hope It Lasts Longer |
| EDB (Economic Development Board) | Expose Damned Bond-breakers OR Enough, Don't Bluff |
| ERP (Electronic Road Pricing) | Everyday Rob People |
| FAMILY | Father And Mother I Love You |
| GARUDA | Good And Reliable Until Delay Announced |
| GOSPEL | God Offers Sinful People Eternal Life |
| GST (Goods and Services Tax) | Give Some Tips |
| INDIA | I'll Never Do It Again |
| JTC (Jurong Town Council) | Jump To Conclusion |
| KGB (Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti) | Khong Guan Biscuit |
| KLM (Koninklijke Luchtvaart Maatschappij, Royal Dutch Airlines) | Keep Losing Money |
| LAME | Laughable And Mildly Entertaining |
| Lee IACOCCA | I Am Chief Of Chrysler Corporation America |
| LGBT | Life Gets Better Together |
| LIFE | Love Is For Everyone |
| Lufthansa | Let Us Find The Hostess As No Stewards Available |
| MAHATHIR | My Assets Halved After The Hit In Ringgit |
| MARLBORO | Men Always Remember Ladies Because Of Romance Only |
| MBBS ('Medicinae Baccalaureus' Bachelor of Surgery) | Must Be Big Shot |
| MCDONALD | Make Children Diners Order Nuggets And Large Drinks |
| MRT (Mass Rapid Transit) | More Road Tax |
| NATO (North Atlantic Treaty Organisation) | No Action Talk Only |
| NAVY | Never Again Volunteer Yourself |
| OCBC (Oversea-Chinese Banking Corporation) | Old Can Be Cool |
| PAL (Philippines Airlines) | Plane Always Late |
| PDF (People's Defence Force) | Please Don't Fight OR Please Dig Faster |
| Ph.D | Permanent Head Damage OR Pizza Hut Delivery |
| PIA (Pakistan International Airlines) | Please Inform Allah |
| PSI (pollutant standards index) | Please Stay Indoors |
| PUSH | Push Until Something Happens |
| QANTAS (Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services) | Quite A Neat Trick Arriving Safely |
| SABENA (Societé Anonyme Belge d'Exploitation de la Navigation Aérienne) | Such A Bad Experience, Never Again |
| SAF (Singapore Armed Forces) | Serve And Forget |
| SAS (Scandinavia Air Services) | Slow And Steady |
| SDU (Social Development Unit) | Single, Desperate, Ugly |
| SENTOSA | So Expensive, Nothing TO See Actually |
| SINGLE | Stress Is Now Gone, Life's Easier |
| SUHARTO | Suharto Under House Arrest, Refusing To Own-up OR Since U Have Additional Rupiahs, Take Out |
| Things Which I Type That Everyone Reads | |
| VSOP (Very Superior Old Pale) | Very Silly Old People |
| YMCA (Young Men Christian Association) | You May Come Again |
| Country Acronyms for Autograph |
| ATOM | Always Think Of Me |
| BURMA | Between Us, Remember Me Always |
| CANADA | Cute And Naughty, A Darling Always |
| CHINA | Come Here I Need Affection |
| EGYPT | Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing |
| FRANCE | Friendship Remains And Never Can End |
| HOLLAND | Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies |
| HONG KONG | Hug Only Nice Guys, Kiss Only Naughty Girls |
| INDIA | I Nearly Died In Adoration |
| ITALY | I Trust And Love You |
| JAPAN | Joke And Play At Night |
| KENYA | Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing |
| KOREA | Keep Our Romance Everlasting Always |
| LIBYA | Love Is Beautiful, You Also |
| MALAYA | May Angels Look After You Always |
| MANILA | May All Night Inspire Love Always |
| NEPAL | Never Ever Part As Lovers |
| POLAND | Pray Our Love Always Never Dies |
| RUSSIA | Romance Under Stars Stays Intimate Always |
| THAILAND | Totally Happy, Always In Love And Never Dull |
| Knock Knock Jokes |
| Light Bulb Jokes |
| Malapropism |
| Palindromes |
| Ada
bib bob dad did ere eve eye gag mom mum nun pip pop tit tot wow | Anna
deed noon peep poop sees toot |
civic
level madam radar refer | Hannah
deified rotator |
| no
bat but dew dog eel gel gum lap may nap net nip not now pat pay pit pot rat raw saw way | avid
bard bats bonk brag dial deer doom draw dual edit Enid emit evil flog flow gnat gnus gulp guns keel keep leer liar | loop
loot meet moor naps nips nuts pals pans part paws pees pets pins pots raps rats saps spat spit spot stew sway | decal
denim devil fires keels knits lager leper lever loops loots pacer parts peels remit smart snaps snips spots straw | Dennis
dialer diaper drawer looter reknit snoops deliver gateman leveler reknits desserts redrawer |
| Spoonerism |
| Is the bean dizzy? ("Dean busy")
A blushing crow ("crushing blow") A well-boiled icicle ("well-oiled bicycle") The Lord is a shoving leopard ("a loving shepherd") Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride? ("customary to kiss") You were fighting a liar in the quadrangle ("lighting a fire") Three cheers for our queer old dean! (rather than "dear old Queen") Someone is occupewing my pie. Please sew me to another sheet. ("Someone is occupying my pew. Please show me to another seat.") You have hissed all my mystery lectures. You have tasted a whole worm. Please leave Oxford on the next town drain. ("You have missed all my history lectures. You have wasted a whole term. Please leave Oxford on the next down train.") |
| Verses |
| Epitaphs | |
| At Aberdeen
Here lies I, Martin Elginbrodde: Have mercy o' my soul, Lord God, As I wad do, were I Lord God, And ye were Martin Elginbrodde. George MacDonald (1824-1905) |
At Hadleigh, Suffolk
To free me from domestic strife Death called at my house, but he spake with my wife, Susan, wife of David Pattison, lies here, Stop, Reader, and if not in a hurry, shed a tear. |
| On a Tired Housewife
Here lies a poor woman who was always tired, She lived in a house where help wasn't hired: Her last words on earth were: 'Dear friends, I am going To where there's no cooking, or washing, or sewing, For everything there is exact to my wishes, For where they don't eat there's no washing of dishes. I'll be where loud anthems will always be ringing, But having no voice I'll be quit of the singing. Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never, I am going to do nothing for ever and ever.' |
On Richard Hind
Here lies the body of Richard Hind, Who was neither ingenious, sober, nor kind. |
| On Will Smith
Here lies Will Smith - and, what's something rarish, He was born, bred, and hanged, all in the same parish. |
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. A lawyer's tombstone in England |
| Here lies Butch,
We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery |
Here lies my wife,
Here lies she; Hallelujah! Hallelujee! In a Leeds graveyard [1861] |
| Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery |
|
| Haiku | |
| The quiet pond
A frog leaps in, The sound of water. |
Deep within the stream
The huge fish lies motionless Facing the current. |
| Fields and mountains
All taken by snow; Nothing remains. |
I like this nice girl,
She is in my English class; She doesn't like me. |
| On a withered branch
A crow is perched: An autumn evening. |
The scarecrow in the distance;
It walked with me As I walked. |
| Limericks | |
| A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His mouth can hold more than his belican, He can take in his beak Enough food for a week - I'm damned if I know how the helican. Dixon Lanier Merritt (1879 - 1954) |
I sat next to the Duchess at tea,
Distressed as a person could be. Her rumblings abdominal Were simply phenomenal - And everyone thought it was me! |
| Idealism
There once was a man who said, 'God Must think it exceedingly odd If he finds that this tree Continues to be When there's no one about in the Quad.' Ronald Arbuthnot Knox (1888 - 1957) A Reply Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd, I am always about in the Quad; And that's why this tree Will continue to be, Since observed by Yours faithfully, God. |
Mendelian Theory
There was a young woman called Starkie, Who had an affair with a darkie. The result of her sins Was quadruplets, not twins - One black, and one white, and two khaki. |
| Mind and Matter
There was a faith-healer of Deal, Who said, 'Although pain isn't real, If I sit on a pin And it punctures my skin, I dislike what I fancy I feel.' |
Relativity
There was a young lady named Bright, Who could travel far faster than light; She set out one day In a relative way, And returned on the previous night. Arthur Henry Reginald Buller (1874 - 1944) |
| There was a young lady of Riga
Who went for a ride on a tiger: They returned from the ride With the lady inside And a smile on the face of the tiger. Arthur Henry Reginald Buller (1874 - 1944) |
There was an old man of Peru
Who dreamt he was eating a shoe. He awoke in the night With a terrible fright And found it was perfectly true. |
| There was an old man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!' When they said, 'Is it small?' He replied, 'Not at all! It is four times as big as the bush!' Edward Lear |
There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared! - Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard!' Edward Lear |
| There was an old party of Lyme
Who married three wives at one time. When asked: 'Why the third?' He replied: 'One's absurd, And bigamy, sir, is a crime.' William Cosmo Monkhouse (1840 - 1901) |
Ultimate Reality
There was an old man in a trunk, Who inquired of his wife, 'Am I drunk?' She replied with regret, 'I'm afraid so, my pet.' And he answered, 'It's just as I thunk.' Ogden Nash |
| Quotations | |
| An Enemy of the People
The majority never has right on its side, Never I say! That is one of the social lies that a free, thinking man is bound to rebel against. Who makes up the majority in any given country? Is it the wise men or the fools? I think we must agree that the fools are in a terrible, overwhelming majority, all the wide world over. Henrik Ibsen (1828 - 1906) |
Boswell's Life of Johnson
A man ought to read just as inclination leads him; for what he reads as a task will do him little good. Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784) |
| Diary 25 December 1665
Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition. Samuel Pepys (1633 - 1703) |
He has achieved success
who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much. Bessie Anderson Stanley |
| If life were just, we would be born old and achieve youth about the time we'd saved enough to enjoy it.
Jim Fiebig |
Leviathan Chapter 13
No arts; no letters; no society; and which is worst of all, continual fear and danger of violent death; and the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. Thomas Hobbes (1588 - 1679) |
| Religio Medici
I could be content that we might procreate like trees, without conjunction, or that there were any way to perpetuate the world without this trivial and vulgar way of coition. Sir Thomas Browne (1605 - 1682) |
Striving to make yourself ever more useful and necessary is an aim you can safely pursue throughout your life,
and one that will protect you from the worst of all modern social stresses - purposelessness.
Hans Selye |
| Three Men in a Boat
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. Jerome Klapka Jerome (1859 - 1927) |
|
| Ruthless Rhymes | |
| Billy
Billy, in one of his nice new sashes, Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes; Now, although the room grows chilly, I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. |
Mr Jones
'There's been an accident,' they said, 'Your servant's cut in half; he's dead!' 'Indeed!' said Mr Jones, 'and please, Send me the half that's got my keys.' |
| Waste
I had written to Aunt Maud, Who was on a trip abroad, When I heard she'd died of cramp Just too late to save the stamp. |
|
| Verses | |
| A Shropshire Lad
Here of a Sunday morning My love and I would lie, And see the coloured counties, And hear the larks so high About us in the sky. Alfred Edward Housman (1859 - 1936) |
Auguries of Innocence
To see a world in a grain of sand And a heaven in a wild flower Hold infinity in the palm of your hand And eternity in an hour William Blake |
| Centuries of Meditation
You will never enjoy the world aright, Till the sea itself floweth in your veins, Till you are clothed with the heavens, And crowned with the stars. Thomas Traherne (1637 - 1674) |
Cloe
Bright as the day, and like the morning fair, Such Cloe is, and common as the air. George Granville, Lord Lansdowne |
| Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep I am a thousand winds that blow I am the diamond glints on snow I am the sunlight on ripened grain I am the gentle autumn's rain When you waken in the morning's hush I am the sweet uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight I am the soft star that shines at night Do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there, I did not die Mary Elizabeth Frye |
Doctor Fell
I do not love thee, Doctor Fell, The reason why I cannot tell, But this one thing I know full well: I do not love thee, Doctor Fell. Thomas Brown |
| Endymion Book 1
A thing of beauty is a joy for ever: Its loveliness increases, it will never Pass into nothingness. John Keats (1795 - 1821) |
I remember, I remember,
The house where I was born, That little window where the sun Came peeping in at morn. Thomas Hood (1799 - 1845) |
| Ode
We are the music makers, And we are the dreamers of dreams, Wandering by lone sea-breakers, And sitting by desolate streams; World-losers and world-forsakers, On whom the pale moon gleams: Yet we are the movers and shakers Of the world for ever, it seems. Arthur O'Shaughnessy (1844 - 1881) |
The Latest Decalogue
Thou shalt have one God only; who Would be at the expense of two? No graven images may be Worshipped, except the currency: Swear not at all; for, for thy curse Thine enemy is none the worse: At church on Sunday to attend Will serve to keep the world thy friend: Honour thy parents; that is, all From whom advancement may befall: Thou shalt not kill; but need'st not strive Officiously to keep alive: Do not adultery commit; Advantage rarely comes of it: Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat, When it's so lucrative to cheat: Bear not false witness; let the lie Have time on its own wings to fly: Thou shalt not covet, but tradition Approves all forms of competition. Arthur Hugh Clough (1819 - 1861) |
| The Old Familiar Faces
I have had playmates, I have had companions, In my days of childhood, in my joyful schooldays - All, all are gone, the old familiar faces. Charles Lamb (1775 - 1834) |
The Pessimist
Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat but food; Nothing to wear but clothes To keep one from going nude. Nothing to breathe but air, Quick as a flash 'tis gone; Nowhere to fall but off, Nowhere to stand but on. Nothing to comb but hair, Nowhere to sleep but in bed; Nothing to weep but tears, Nothing to bury but dead. Nothing to sing but songs; Ah, well, alas! alack! Nowhere to go but out, Nowhere to come but back. Nothing to see but sights, Nothing to quench but thirst; Nothing to have but what we've got; Thus thro' life we are cursed. Nothing to strike but a gait; Everything moves that goes. Nothing at all but common sense Can ever withstand these woes. Benjamin Franklin King (1857 - 1894) |
| The Psychoed
As I was going up the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today. I wish, I wish he'd stay away. Hughes Mearns (1875 - 1965) |
The Purple Cow
I never saw a Purple Cow - I never hope to see one; But I can tell you, anyhow, I'd rather see than be one. Reply Ah, yes, I wrote 'Purple Cow' - I'm sorry, now, I wrote it! But I can tell you anyhow, I'll kill you if you quote it. Gelett Burgess (1866 - 1951) |
| The Song of the Shirt
With fingers weary and worn, With eyelids heavy and red, A woman sat, in unwomanly rags, Plying her needle and thread - Stitch! stitch! stitch! In poverty, hunger, and dirt. Thomas Hood (1799 - 1845) |
The Three Fishers
For men must work, and women must weep, And the sooner it's over, the sooner to sleep. Charles Kingsley (1819 - 1875) |
| The Winter Evening
Now stir the fire, and close the shutters fast, Let fall the curtains, wheel the sofa round, And, while the bubbling and loud-hissing urn Throws up a steamy column, and the cups, That cheer but not inebriate, wait on each, So let us welcome peaceful evening in. William Cowper (1731 - 1800) |
Trees
I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree. Poems are made by fools like me But only God can make a tree. Joyce Kilmer (1886 - 1918) |
| What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare? William Henry Davies (1871 - 1940) |
Who drags the fiery artist down?
Who keeps the pioneer in town? Who hates to let the seaman roam? It is the wife, it is the home. Clarence Day |